Random Sports

It’s about that time again—that is, the time for “Where in the World Is Paulina Gretzky?” update.

Surprise! Gretzky is on a boat, taking selfies in a bikini.

The self-proclaimed “mermaid” posted this picture to her Instagram account without further comment. While it appears to be a sexy, gratuitous shot of her beach body—and to be clear, it is a sexy, gratuitous shot of her beach body—like a Transformer, there’s more to this selfie than readily meets the eye.

Check the rock on Gretzky’s left ear. Craftily included but not the centerpiece of this image, the earring looks like it holds a sizable diamond in it.

The earring appears to be a new piece, perhaps a gift from her boyfriend, professional golfer Dustin Johnson. 

Johnson definitely has the funds to throw down money for expensive jewelry for his girl, considering his career earnings in golf since turning pro in 2007 stack up to over $18 million.

After the end of the 2013 Masters on Sunday, Gretzky tweeted a picture of the two leaving Augusta via private jet. Must be nice.

Goodbye Augusta @DJohnsonPGA http://t.co/XPEurrvvFE

— Paulina Gretzky (@PaulinaGretzky) April 14, 2013

Since the end of the tournament, it would appear that the two have been enjoying a tropical vacation. Gretzky—not one to ever leave an awesome, envy-inspiring moment undocumented—has been posting bikini and jort-centric shots of their exploits in a tropical location.

None of this comes as a new phenomenon for the couple. In January the two were spotted beachside at a resort in Hawaii celebrating Johnson’s win at the Hyundai Tournament of Champions.

In summation, Gretzky the mermaid is on a vessel somewhere beautiful, being beautiful and is also being lavished in jewelry. The rest of us are on dry land (presumably) and green with envy. 

I guess that's just how the cookie crumbles.

I’m a Mer-MAN, daddy: Dr__Carson

It’s “levi-O-sa,” not “levio-SAH.”

Ahem, I don’t know anything about Harry Potter (lies) and haven’t read the books (LIES), but I can certainly tell you that the sixth annual Quidditch World Cup will begin on Saturday, April 13, in Kissimmee, Fla.

Now, we can all go on pretending like we don’t know exactly what quidditch is, but for the four or five horribly bereft people out there, it’s an imaginary sport from the Harry Potter series that involves flying through the air on brooms and catching an assortment of different sentient and non-sentient balls.

It looks like this in the movies:

The muggle version going down at the Quidditch World Cup, on the other hand, will look more like this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XoY-be0k8tA

Ah, feel the magic. No, it's OK; sometimes magic can feel like sadness.

As league rules go, the matches are seven-on-seven, and all players on the field have to have a broom betwixt their legs at all time (chafe-city). The earth-bound version of the game is also played with a number of different, very un-enchanted items.

The muggle version of the quaffle is a “slightly deflated” volleyball, and the golden snitch is a human being—an “impartial” 15th player dressed all in gold who flees the pitch at the beginning of the game. The snitch has a golden sock with a tennis ball stuffed in it. 

Yes, this is happening in real life, and no, you cannot stop it. What you can do is volunteer to set up the Quidditch World Cup (experience with quidditch is not required) or watch the international competition between teams on live stream:

Watch IQA Quidditch World Cup VI on @livestream: http://t.co/Z90taD32Sm

— US Quidditch Cup (@USQuidditchCup) April 9, 2013

Also, if this hasn’t gotten weird enough for you, the University of Miami is a heavy favorite. No word has been given on whether Shane Larkin will be the team’s seeker yet.

Don’t act like you’re not polishing your Firebolt right now: Dr__Carson