Musings Of an F1 Fan: The Grand Prix Driver Merry-Go-Round
Have you got the best job in the world? Have you? Well, I was off sick the other day, and as I’d put my neck out, I wasn’t able to move about much.
If you’re wondering how I did it, well I was rappelling down a cliff face while trying to disarm a nuclear device…that had landed on the roof of an orphanage…when an earthquake struck…which caused a landslide…Yes, that’ll do.
What do you mean, implausible? Oh, all right. I SNEEZED. Okay? Satisfied now? Is my humiliation complete? Yep, one unexpected sneeze and I had all the flexibility of a rusty cyberman.
Anyway, I was wondering what people regarded as the best job in the world. So I did some checking on the Interweb and, after a brief search, found a list of the top twenty-six dream jobs. Some of the results weren’t what you might expect.
The most popular dream job was a rock star, which is hardly surprising. Predictably, film star and astronaut were also in the top five, third, and fourth respectively.
But what are most interesting are the unexpected entries. At number five in our hit parade is personal shopper, ten points higher than billionaire entrepreneur, at number fifteen. Surely if you’re a billionaire you can afford to go out and buy this stuff for yourself. And narrowly beating spa critic(no, not Francorchamps) at number seventeen is rock star’s private chef. Hmmm...
But my favourite has to be whale advocate. Now, call me out of touch, but what in God’s name is a whale advocate? Legal representation for a whale that’s up on a charge of tax fraud, perhaps?
“Yes, M’lud. I can personally vouch for the good character of this whale and request, if it pleases the court, that you keep Willy free! The defence rests. Oh, stop blubbering!”
Now, you may be wondering what all this has to do with our chosen subject. Well, languishing down in twentieth place is…
Racing driver.
Yes, you read it right. Being a racing driver is less popular than video game tester (18), cannabis farmer (9) and beer taster (7), but, encouragingly, slightly more popular than rock star nanny (24) and doctor (26).
Still, when you consider that there are thousands of job descriptions out there, twentieth isn’t too bad. There are still plenty of applicants for every vacancy. Many times over the years I have heard drivers say they have the best job in the world. Well, now we know that isn’t true. They only have the twentieth best job in the world.
But it does beg the question: if they think the job is so great, why do they spend so much time complaining about it? We’re always hearing things like, “I caught traffic on my hot lap,” or, “My rear tyres were graining,” and even, “He ought to learn what his mirrors are for.”
Oh, Miaow David!
But they’re all desperate to get to the pinnacle of motor sport, and when they do, they’re even more desperate to stay, until they start to look ridiculous compared to the next generation of young chargers.
Force India
Minardi used to be the ‘easy’ entry team for young drivers. If you brought enough sponsorship, you were in. It was certainly good enough for the likes of Fernando Alonso and Mark Webber. But since that team was sold and renamed Scuderia Toro Rosso, Force India have taken F1’s dubious mantle as the sport’s perennial back markers. But things at this likeable little team seem quite settled, with team owner Vijay Mallya recently saying that they will be retaining Giancarlo Fisichella and Adrian Sutil. Unless Fernando Alonso surprises everyone…
It is expected that they will be supplied with McLaren-Mercedes engines for next season, and possibly KERS and chassis as well. If this happens, there's a chance they may move up the grid, but don’t expect them to move too far. My guess is they’ll still be the wagging tail of the pack next year.
Honda
Do you remember a time when Honda was a serious player in F1? That was 2004, and the team (at that time, still BAR-Honda) finished second in the constructors’ championship with a walloping 119 points. But the last two years have been an appalling time for the Brackley outfit. This season to date, they have amassed just 14 points, and all of them in the first half of the season. The one ray of hope this year was Rubens Barrichello’s third place at a rain-affected Silverstone. Since then neither he nor Jenson Button have been in the points. Button’s seat is thought to be safe for the next year, although he is yet to put ink to a new contract.
Rubens Barrichello's position is much less certain. He was born in Sao Paulo, Brazil, in 1862 and is 146 years old.
Hang on, I think I’ve made a mistake.
No I haven’t.
Despite this apparent handicap, he has proven that he is still fast and hungry for success. However, this has not stopped the team from openly courting the services of Fernando Alonso, Bruno Senna, and Nelson Piquet have also been mooted as possible replacements. Enjoy the Brazilian Grand Prix; it may be our last chance to see this thoroughly likeable driver in an F1 car.
Williams
Williams is another team that has fallen on hard times, and can only reflect on past glories. Can it really be 11 years since they last won a World Championship? Can it really be four years since they last won a race? If the cards had fallen a little more kindly in Singapore, Nico Rosberg might have scored his maiden victory, but a 10-second stop and go meant he had to settle for second, but it was a fine drive. Surely it is only a matter of time…
There’s no change in the driver line-up, the team electing to retain Rosberg for a fourth season, and Kazuki Nakajima for his second.
Red Bull
Team Pipe & Slippers have had a woeful year, having scored a mediocre 29 points and looked positively second rate compared to their ‘B’ team. Blame has mainly been directed at the underpowered Renault engine, but Fernando Alonso seems to have found enough pace to win two races with it, so the unit can’t be that bad. Mark Webber is staying with the team next year, but David Coulthard is retiring to become an F1 pundit when the BBC takes over coverage from ITV.
Perhaps the arrival of Sebastian Vettel next year will inject a little life into the team. Let’s hope so.
Toro Rosso
It could be all change at Red Bull Lite. One thing’s for sure: Sebastian Vettel is leaving to join the sister team. As for the other seat, things are less clear. Sebastien Bourdais’ form has improved towards the end of the season, so he may have done enough to keep his drive. If nothing else, he won the sympathy vote after that dreadful stewards’ decision in Japan that robbed him of any points.
As for the other seat, a number of names have been mentioned: Takuma Sato, Tonio Liuzzi, Bruno Senna and Sebastien Buemi. Buemi is currently the frontrunner for a drive, if for no other reason than to keep the ‘Sebastien’ tradition going. Well, if it ain’t broke, why fix it?
Toyota
Timo Glock and Jarno Trulli are set to stay for another season. What more can you say about such an anonymous mid-field team? They have a huge budget, but manage to consistently underperform every year. Besides, how much sympathy can you have for the company that inflicted the Toyota Pious on the world?
Renault
This year’s drivers’ market has again been dominated by one man: you guessed it … Fernando Alonso. And he seems in no hurry to make his plans for next year public. Judging by the recent form of the Renault, however, it’s a good bet that he’ll be staying where he is. There were rumours earlier this year of a possible move to BMW, but Alonso’s insistence on a one-year contract scuppered that plan. Honda has made a big play for his services as well, but he is unlikely to take another step backwards.
Nelson Piquet may be waiting more anxiously than most, as his future at Renault may depend on whether Alonso stays or goes. If Alonso leaves the team, Piquet is probably safe - for now. If he stays, Piquet could well be booted out in favour of Lucas Di Grassi, the Renault test driver who has also been doing well in GP2.
Alonso is not expected to make his decision public until after the Brazilian Grand Prix.
BMW Sauber
After another strong season, BMW finally announced that they would be keeping Robert Kubica and Nick Heidfeld, although Heidfeld had been left to sweat for quite a while.
McLaren
There was never much doubt that Lewis Hamilton would be staying with the Woking team, although I did hear someone the other day postulate the idea that he may move to Ferrari in the next year or two. Can you imagine that? With Fernando Alonso almost certainly on his way to Maranello at the end of next season? If it happens, give me a deck chair and a box of popcorn and I’ll camp out outside the Ferrari garage. It’s bound to be more entertaining than the racing!
As for Heikki Kovalainan, he has also been retained for next year – but I am left to wonder…why? He’s not been that bad per se, but he’s hardly set the world on fire this year either. What’s more, he’s not been there to help Hamilton in the final few races, which has got to be a must for any number two – I mean joint number one.The only reason I can see is continuity. And the fact that the McLaren garage is a much more tranquil setting than it was last year.
Ferrari
A year ago, Kimi Raikkonen was scratching his head, wondering how he had won the world championship. This year he’s scratching his head, wondering why he hasn’t. His most obvious problem this year has been that he can’t get heat into his tyres during the crucial phases of qualifying. But that does not explain his lacklustre performances during the races. Nor is it obvious why he keeps putting in fastest laps. Answers on a post card please.
In contrast to this, Felipe Massa has had a blinder of a season, and stands poised to snatch the drivers’ championship from Hamilton.
Both drivers are confirmed for next year, although for a while many thought that Raikkonen was heading for early retirement.
As for test drivers, the only new name of note is Bruno Senna. If he doesn’t get a race drive next year, then he must surely fill the role of test driver for one of the F1 teams. The kudos of a famous name can open quite a few doors – just ask Nelson Piquet Jnr or Ralf Schumacher.
Earlier in the year, it was rumoured that Danica Patrick, currently driving for AGR in the US IndyCar series, was due to test for Honda, but sadly it was not to be. She would certainly have added a touch of glamour to the F1 paddock.
But imagine the sponsorship she would have brought with her…
“My sanitary towels are so effective, they keep me safe even in the whitest overalls.”
Urgh! Not a happy image. Almost as nauseating as Michael Schumacher’s L’Oreal ‘Because I’m worth it’ ad a few years back.
So there you have it. All the movers and shakers for 2009. All with a list of complaints as long as a Ferrari refuelling hose, and all believing they have the best job in the world…
But we know differently – Shhh! Keep it to yourselves.