Christopher McComas has a dream.
He wants to take the University of North Dakota Sioux football team to a national championship game, and he will accept no more than zero losses along the way.
You may be wondering who Christopher McComas is, and what kind of blue-blooded coaching pedigree could inspire a man to such lofty expectations for a college football program, especially one that went 3-8 in 2013.
As it turns out, McComas is a system integration analyst at Marshall University and has spent the last two decades turning lackluster teams into glory-sweating juggernauts of victory on his Sega Genesis and PlayStation gaming platforms.
According to Brad Elliot Schlossman of the Grand Forks Herald, McComas was one of several candidates who recently applied for the newly vacated head coaching position with the North Dakota football team.
While other candidates presumably pitched the program on boilerplate drivel such as actual coaching experience, the information technology specialist focused on his personal strengths, which include “chucking the pigskin” deep in Madden and recruiting blue-chip talent in NCAA College Football.
McComas sent a personal email to UND athletic director Brian Faison detailing his extensive, virtual coaching experience. Here are a few excerpts from Coach McComas’ de facto cover letter (per Schlossman):
In the past 30 years I’ve only missed a handful of Marshall’s home games...All the while I played various football games including Madden on Sega Genesis where I completely dominated with the Bills and Thurman Thomas.
[...]
I then moved on to a PlayStation gaming system and purchased NCAA Football every year and put together several programs that completely dominated the recruiting scene and college football...I took [Marshall University] from a decent Mid-American Conference School on the game to a perennial national power house that makes Nick Saban look like a chump.
[...]
My football philosophy is basically an attacking one. We’re going to give AIR RAID a whole new definition. Theoretically how many times do you think a team can pass in a game? Challenge accepted. We’re going 5 wide, chucking the pigskin all over the place. Never punt. Onside every time. Chip Kelly will be calling me to learn my offense...go ahead and blow the roof off [Alerus Center] and add about 35,000 seats to that place.
McComas also attached a nine-part slideshow presentation to the email, laying out his extensive plan for the program.
His plan is simple. Win everything, recruit great players and win some more.
He does not punt. Punting is for communists and false prophets. Also, all of his players would graduate—if they weren’t all leaving early for the NFL, that is.
You can view the whole slideshow here, but this is pretty much all you need to know, sports fans: McComas' offense will darken the skies over college football, and hopefully North Dakota fans will hear the drone of newly installed air raid sirens come next fall.
Your move, Saban.
Chuck the Pigskin or Die Trying: The Christopher McComas Story.
